It's funny how life is, how this whole thing came about, how it crushed me and made me fell into dust yet I'm still here able to write..

A whole year went by, and with sadness I have to deliver this news to you today; it's official world, I'm really homeless. I moved into the shelter two months ago, my friends have abounded me, my family have disowned me, the whole world have darkened my spirit and soul. 

Sometime in 2009 I finished my studies, after a hard struggle of a sexual assault, after court days and nights of horror, I was able to graduate from school. I wasn't happy coz I was broken by two evil spirited men, no one understood me, no one offered me to heal, I wasn't ready to go out to the real world while bleeding but hey I went out still. 

Slowly I kept falling, slowly I kept losing me and still no one noticed, no one offered to help, no one. I kept  thinking to myself how did I end up here in this shelter, I don't know!!!! I don't know world... But it didn't happen in a day or night, it happened slowly, so very slowly that it was easily prevented if someone reached out to pull me up, but no one did..

I now see, this world we are in, is a very mean cruel world. People are fake, families are too busy pretending. Now I understand how my father felt when he said I was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. 

Now I know how my mother felt leaving me at the age of nine with two younger siblings and a drunk father to deal with. 

Now I know how all that was possible because I'm able to see clearly from down here.

my heart if not my soul that is broken, words spoken but yet never strong for you to hold in. I breathe my question of god, I write and ask if there is one up above. I look around and see nothing but faces/ faces of laughter or cries ...both I can not deniy ....

Reply to arablady latest post :D Dated 1st of Dec.

Yes I totally agree that in today's world its much easier for a person (be it man or woman) to become homosexual. And thats not only in Arab world but in the whole world as all, again you do impress me with your mind. Your a very smart woman, too bad that your Arab (as if am not :p) well what I mean is that it's too bad your living in such place where your seen as object and worst you get evaluated as if your a silly project and as if you were born to be a housewife and a child birth machine. And ironically enough, after you've been used and abused in many ways then will just re-marry another woman while still keeping you to use and abuse under the religion name. Such a corrupt system, worst is when all become blind to not question or ask or even THINK of what is right and what is wrong. They are all busy of what is used to be, what a man did thousands of years ago should be done today? Stupid and silly but am seriously happy to read your blog and see you post boldly.

Myself on the other hand I can't express as you do arablady, simply cos' I get extremely emotional and start cursing on everything which at the end of the day pisses everyone off leaving a no win situation. I also admire the ability of not having a comment option on, well for me I'll leave it on for as many haters I get, I feel way better inside :D

Okay my week is going to be busy with final exams, just wanted to let you know that and soon will post again. Till then take care =)

Why Islam world would always stay backwards from the rest!

As a Muslim women, I have the right to comment on the teacher that named a teddy bear Mohammed. for full story click here.



Okay first let me tell you how we MUSLIMS are so STUPID and BACKWARDS!



We MUSLIMS are so UNGRATEFUL and EVIL. We are the bones of SATAN and seriously what is happening today through ISLAM to others is what REAL ISLAM made of. I don`t give a fuck on what others would say about me, this has gone way too far.



I mean for god sake it was just a fucking TEDDY BEAR, a teddy bear. I know there is a lot of kids out there who call their dolls AISHA or FATIMA why don't a shit head stopped them. And seriously come on now, Mohammed is NOT NOT NOT a copyrighted name or even a trademark. There are zillions out there named Mohammed, why are we so dumb I mean our prophet had another name beside Mohammed which is Ahmed, fuck you all god fuck me with you coz I call myself Muslim. Seriously Islam is the biggest joke of the world. I`m so bothered of such news, please grow up and think outside the minds you call brain.


 

I'm still having my dark days: as a woman. I'm still swimming deep within my thoughts of finding reality and what it really means! I'm helpless at the moment thats why I can't help others, not the kids nor the women. I aim to help myself first, only then I'd be able to reach out for others to embrace.

Life is not kind, and its not 'cos am evil or bad. Am as good as the word good means to me. The cruelty of life and mankind is all raising from lies. Lies thats old and new, lies that you hear and know everyday. Lies that you question silently inside you but not aloud. For the truth is only for those who lost it, those who are marked evil and judged to burn in another lie called hell.


Human beings are the most helpless creatures alive on the planet earth. Those creatures have small brains, small thoughts and small reasons. Those creatures love to fallow instead of lead and love to believe in something that they don't REALLY understand. Sadly am one of these creatures now, am a human in this lifetime. It's not a happy time or even a happy task to be a human!

I live like a machine and to others am just a broken project, ironically enough they are holding their breath for my fixing end.

Everything I see makes me cry; the man that cuts down tree branches outside my window makes me cry and the helpless children in the plan foster advertisement makes me cry. I’m so true and connected to nature and the world today and yet I so much want to keep the world outside. How could I live day to day complaining on silly issues when there is so much suffering and pain in this world? What can I do to help, am already able to see, am already able to feel and be connected to the world. I want to help others; I want to help children of all walks of life. I WILL HELP THESE CHILDREN

I need to breathe, am sick of being under everyone's charm and spell. Ever since I was borned, I was programed to believe into shit that doesn't matter anymore. And if I pull you from your neck and threw you into shit I've been through, you'd cry for mercy! you see thats why am me NOW and am happy!....

From time to time, I get a wired argue to start over. To clean my mess, and to clear my life with people that are mentally disturbed (believe me there are plenty of them)! Also to get away from those who don't seem to understand me, even if they tried. And with this aruge a decision must be made and an action must be taken. So I sit down with myself and scan the people I know in my life whether friends or mates, to check what did they bring into our share account of our relation.

So I sort these people out; some never gave in return and some took as much as they gave! Some love to stab me yet hold me as a friend and some loves to protect me till the end. Then I separate the good from the bad and I give permission for those good ones to stick around me. And the bad ones, I simply cross out! For life my friend is full of different people and different level of lessons that we must teach and learn from each other. Your job is to learn openly and give a unique lesson back then decide if you want to walk tougher or just walk alone with the lesson learned.

I don't know if am making any sense here but any ways am going through change and God I love change. I have opened a new chapter in my life, cleaned my act and paid my dues! I have walked out on some people I once called friends, I once cared for and even loved! Ironically they might not even know that I have walked on them, but with peace and perfect love I have! I embraced the experience I had with each of them knowing in my heart that am grateful for meeting such people and forever I'd be.

I have changed my contact number just in case they want to reach me. Yes I have cleared my act! Am start a new me, for that I had to decide what is my past and leave it behind my back, just walk on Sabra walk on. There is no way back!

But even with that, I kept a disturbed soul beside me, just for hopes of not being alone. Mmmm I wonder what loneliness really is! And this soul yesterday abused me, I took the phone and dialed 911 asked for police and the phone got cut. I hared sorry and please don't please! The operator called me back and I said it's ok I don't need the cops no more. Sabra, why can't I always get the job done. Just break of this prison and set myself free for I know no one is willing to save me. So I got to save me ....

One day, someday I will be so FREE ..

Do you remember Sabra? the girl who used to be so hyper at Friday's arrival! All that changed now and many more changes she has to embrace and welcome with wide arms. But I'm so tired of a world where you have to struggle to be someone; where you let joy pass you and love too, just so that you can be someone! Where you ignore those who hold you down just to have your full attention on being someone.

"Life is never fair!" I keep reminding myself whenever I want to hold my joys! You see, the people who bring me joy walk out on me easily, I run to them and I make my move but hey Sabra, let go for life is never fair!



I tried to get an appointment made today with my Prof. Peter and he said "You know your PUSHY?" I gave him one of my denial looks -wide eyes opened- he laughed and said "Lets be real, there is no need to pretend here. You know that you are a pushy person?"
"Yeah but!" I said, he stopped me right there and then saying: "You want to meet me for your career but you know that will be done next semester?" I said: "Yes I understand BUT I want to do it now" . "See Pushy!" He remarked!!!!!



I went out of the room and asked JoJo "Am I pushy? I mean I know am aggressive but pushy, how would Peter know that?"

JoJo said: "Yes you are pushy..... Believe me he KNOWS!" LOOL I know its always about me, but yeah I do care about others too..



Well yes I was hurt :p but at least I know that its one of my personnel traits not something that would just pop out of no where when am not sober, nah its in me. It might be genetics or maybe not! It doesn't matter as long as I don't harm others with my uniqueness :D

today i got the news that last night my cousin passed away! I miss her already long before I came here and now that am away it hurts knowing i wont see her again. She seriously touched my life in a way i would never forget. All i want to do is close my eyes but it hurts. Am so far away from their cries, therefore today i cry alone! RIP Aisha, in my heart you will always live on.....................................

Today I got board at Peter's class although he is my favorite teacher but eh he kept talking about numbers (Oh my I need help on that) .. Anyways I started drawing shit mmm okay I call it bites of my life, so I sketched some bites of my emotions and stuff ya know quick b4 Peter caught me in action (he was right behind my shoulder watching me thn yelled 2 find a circle on my screen) loool. Anyways, here are my sketch not perfect but original :p enjoy 'em and be warned some of them might represent moments with you in my life grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ....

Oh my heart goes out to everyone back home .. I can't get any lines up here in Toronto, my dad called yesterday he said everyone is fine and that he can't reach my sister. I'm trying to call her and call my mother but no answer or no network!!!!!!!!! Am dead worried!!! This Gonu came out of nowhere, although they warned the locals and closed the city for 3 days and still we have lost many souls. Till now its 49dead and 32 not found (The numbers keep raising up!) oh my may all be well ... Here R some photos of the Gonu Aftermath :

Omani capital cleans up after cyclone

Death toll from Gonu rises to at least 35, with 30 missing
The Associated Press
Updated: 12:40 p.m. ET June 8, 2007

MUSCAT, Oman - This seaside city has long been renowned as one of the Mideast's prettiest, with a gorgeous mountain backdrop, a smattering of hilltop castles overlooking a sparkling sea, and a proud leader who rigorously tends to his capital city.
But on Thursday, Muscat came unglued. Cyclone Gonu romped through the tidy Omani city before heading north across the Sea of Oman and hitting Iran.
The postcard-perfect mountains that are the city's pride became its pain. Torrential rains poured onto the bone-dry peaks and then flowed into canyons and dry riverbeds that channeled the raging water directly into the city.
Bridges collapsed. Buses were piled in the wadis, the normally dry riverbeds that course through the city.
Muscat's lush palm and eucalyptus groves were blown over along with telephone and power lines. Even the normally sparkling blue sea, just off the crescent-shaped Muttrah Corniche looked like foamy chocolate milk.
Out on the sea, Gonu was downgraded to a tropical depression later Thursday, rapidly losing energy as it moved toward the Iranian coast. The storm was expected to spare Iran's offshore oil installations, which lie more than 120 miles to the west.
At least 35 people were reported dead, including three in Iran, and 30 more were reported missing.
In Muscat, residents spoke of a night of horror as turgid floodwaters ripped into their homes, carried off refrigerators and cars, and left their streets gouged by sinkholes and caked in shoals of mud.
Nidhal al-Masharafi, 31, hunkered all night on his rooftop with his wife and six children, with just the cell phone he gripped in his hand.
"The water broke through the walls. It came inside the house. It swept everything out," al-Mashrafi said, limping as he wandered the bank of a flooded wadi.
A half mile from his home, al-Mashrafi found his 2006 Subaru Outback, lying atop a taxi in the rapids of a new roaring river that slashed through his neighborhood.
From his rooftop perch, he said he saw floodwaters sweep 16 cars past, including a Ford Explorer which bobbed by with its headlights on.
"I called the police because I thought someone was still inside," he said. The Explorer could be seen Thursday resting upside down, half submerged.
Residents of the hard-hit neighborhood of al-Ghubra wandered along the banks of the temporary river, searching for their cars.
"I woke up today and my car was gone. I can't find it anywhere," said Humaid al-Harthi, 25, in a cream-colored dishdasha gown.
A few drivers desperate or foolhardy enough to drive across found themselves in rushing water up to their grilles. The crossing was the only entrance to an otherwise cut-off beachfront neighborhood.
Al-Harthi and other residents said it would take at least a year to restore the upper-class district.
Few doubt the city will regain its old polish.
Muscat is Oman's showcase capital _ the Geneva of the Middle East _ where the fastidious Sultan Qaboos has decreed that highways be swept daily and laws require homeowners to cover air conditioners with decorative boxes and wash their cars every two weeks.
In Gonu's wake, those homeowners were hauling soaked bedding and carpets from their concrete villas and piling it in the streets for the bulldozers busy clearing heaps of mud and rocks.
The massive cleanup was well under way as the sun popped out in the late afternoon and began drying Muscat off.
Workers with chain saws could be seen clearing downed trees while fleets of towtrucks went to work wrenching waterlogged cars and trucks from riverbeds.
Some sections of the city still lacked power and phone service a day after Gonu's eye had passed.
"I've never seen anything like this," al-Mashrafi said, a group of friends around him nodding solemnly. "But this is life. Anything can happen."

© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19112171/

التحرش وممارسة الجنس مع الأطفال كما ترويها متنصرة من المغرب

Hey arab lady..
I miss u too so u havent updated ur blog plus add me into ur nest blog and email me :p byes baby

There goes my life. All I could see is my dreams going up in a smoke! I stumble down on stairs, I smile "There goes my life!, my future, my everything.." "I love you daddy good night .."

Rola - 3an Eznak Ya M3allem

$omething 2 belly dance to.. A nice arabic song by Rola, enjoy :D

نوال السعدواي تواجه أحد المشايخ

Oh my god, I love this woman.. 2 u Arab lady :D

Guerrilla Mail - Disposable temporary e-mail address

Guerrilla Mail - Disposable temporary e-mail address

Check out this website. it offers free temporary email address that will expire within 15 min's!! Meanwhile you can reply and get emails within that time frame. Talking about advanced technology we now have a disposable temporary email address, but I wonder what you can use it for :D ...

Swahili Final Project - The Pimp

students talking in swahili after their final course :p